If you’re fantasizing about a quiet life alone with your future husband after you’re married, then you’d better move to a remote desert island immediately after the wedding.  But even that doesn’t guarantee your solitude, because once your first child is born, multiple aeroplane connections will do little to stand between your mother-in-law and her new grandbaby. 

Even though it’s been said before, it bears repeating.  When you marry your fiancé, you marry his family.  In fact, as soon as you become engaged, your mother-in-law feels she has a say in your future, starting with your wedding.  It’s a package deal you cannot avoid.  So instead of fighting it, embrace the fact that you now have a second mother who is eager to give advice.

That’s not to say, however, that you should give in to all the wedding plans she wants.  If you both happen to agree on everything, consider yourself blessed.  But if you and your mother-in-law disagree on how your wedding should play out, you must respectfully make her understand that you have the final word.  Psychotherapist Diana Shimkus*, who specializes in clinical work with couples and families says, “When couples marry, it’s important they establish their roles in their new families and that starts with the wedding.  You must be the authority of your own life, and if you give in to your mother-in-law at the start, you set a precedent of submissiveness that’s almost impossible to maintain.”   Many brides feel slight resentment when their in-laws get too involved in the wedding, and they wonder is this natural?  “Only if you’ve given too much of yourself away,” replies Shimkus.  “It’s critical that you establish a healthy relationship with your in-laws because they’re a part of your fiancé’s support system (of which you are also now a key element).”  Agreeing with everything they want is not only unfair to you, it doesn’t tell them who you are.  And how can your in-laws adjust to your new role in their family if they don’t know the real you? 
However, that doesn’t mean you can’t be diplomatic.  Even if your fiancé gets mad at his parents, never  bad-mouth your future in-laws.  It’s your job to be empathetic and supportive without taking sides. Shimkus advises, “Ask your fiancé, is there anything I can do for you to help?”  Even if you think he’s right, remain neutral to the rest of his family, because eventually his issue with his parents will be resolved, and you don’t want to end up as collateral damage. 

But regardless of your diligence, blending families can still be hard.  In addition to varied personalities, there can also be cultural, economic, educational, or even racial differences.  If you’ve tried everything to bridge the gaps and your mother-in-law still isn’t cooperative (or worse yet, your families don’t support your marriage), it’s up to you to state your intentions.  “Let your mother-in-law know that you value family,” says Shimkus. “And that her support means a lot to you.  Without relinquishing your own principles, tell her how sad you’d be if she chose not to be a part of your wedding (or married life).”  Giving up a part of yourself to please someone else will never work in the long run, so it’s best to establish your ideals sooner rather than later.

But sometimes problems go beyond what we’re able to handle alone.  If you simply cannot resolve your differences with your families, and especially if they start to come between you and your fiancé, consider seeking the help of a professional psychologist or family counselor.  Referrals from people you know are always good, but if you prefer to locate a therapist on your own, visit the Australian Psychological Society website at www.psychology.org.au/FindaPsychologist.  This website provides access to over 2,000 private practice psychologists Australia-wide, along with contact information and fee structures.

In most cases the best way to endear yourself to your future in-laws is to let them know how much you love their son.  All any parent wants for their child is to be happy.  And if you’re the one who puts the light in their son’s eye, your future in-laws can’t help but love you. 

*Psychotherapist Diana Shimkus is a National Accredited Clinical Social Worker (ACSW), a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCWS), and has a Masters of Social Work (MSW).  Her practice is located in the coastal town of Encinitas, California, just north of San Diego (USA).